6th July: Should I be proud?

Even though Pride month is over I feel the need to share my story of me coming out. What I realised recently thanks to a Youtuber called Amazing Phil is that there isn’t just out coming out story because you constantly have to come out to people in your life.

I’ve came out more than once but he two main ones were to my foster family: let just say they’re not happy stories, however there are some great coming out stories and not all coming out stories are sad like mine.

I was 16, I started to realise that I was different, I was raised as a female but I have all believed in equality for everyone. When I got to 16 it was when I started to feel like I was who I was meant to be, I felt trapped as a girl, I didn’t dress or act like a girl and I didn’t feel like one. So, with the power of YouTube I started to look into what I was feeling, and this was when I found the term Transgender (Trans)

What is Transgender (Trans)

Transgender people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex.

It was where I thought I belonged and I joined various Facebook groups that discussed this but also was supportive especially to those that are having a difficult time coming out or having come out and are now faced with negativity.

Now to when I came out. I came out to my social worker over text and then she called me and we talk about it and I felt relived and then I came out to my tutor at college, this was so I could explain to her about how I feel and during in that talk she offered to help me get counselling as well as tell my foster parents because my relationship with them had been a bit strained due to recent events.

I was in my room when I heard the phone ring and I was both excited and scared about what was going to happen. An hour passed, then the door slammed open and my foster mum aggressively said everyone is going to call you Sam now. Then she left, I didn’t eat dinner at the normal time I was too upset and I wondered why I could be accepted for who I am. Later that night I went downstairs and heated up my dinner this was when my older foster sister came back from work and she had heard about what happened and asked me about and then started saying a bunch of stuff that made no sense.


Are you going to get the op?

Do you know that you can’t get a boner and you have to use a pump?

I just couldn’t deal with the amount of miss information and then it was never mentioned again, but I was forced to just deal with the hate and the pain, being forced to wear makeup and being told to stop dressing like that you’re a girl and being told that I wouldn’t belong here and that I would have to move. I put in a good fight but I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I tried to end my life. If no one was going to accept me maybe I should leave. After a few months I realised that I wasn’t trans. I still got hate but I dealt with it.

Coming out 2: This one isn’t as bad as the first one but I hated the way I was being treat. For a while I had been asked what my sexuality was by my foster family, they weren’t subtle when they asked me. I didn’t like being forced to tell others about my sexuality, if I want to tell people I’ll tell them in my own time. I told my foster sister that I like anyone, if they’re are kind and caring then that’s great. Things like gender or sexuality didn’t bother me because I was accepting of everyone.

So, you read all of this and you want to know: what is sarah?

I don’t class myself as anything, I don’t want to have a label so that random people know who I am. I just want to be me, I hate the idea of having labels and categorising ourselves. If I was to use labels I would be bi and I identify as female.

This is my story and yes it has some bad moments but thanks to those bad moments I’m more happier as a person than I was before.

If you are going through similar situations to me here are some charities that you can talk to:

Samaritans 116 123

Switchboard 0300 330 0630

You are not alone.

What is happy

What is happy?

This is a question I’ve often asked myself: what is happy or what is it like to be happy?

The definition of happiness is the state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

But I rarely feel that anymore, it’s like there’s nothing there to feel that I’m empty and I feel like I am, over the past year I’ve learnt so much about the world around me and the people in and for some reason I feel out of place. Like in the movie Beauty and the Beast: in the beginning, a song they talk about Belle and how she stands out because she acts differently compared to the people around her and they don’t understand it or like it.

I feel like people don’t understand me. I haven’t had this opinion all my life but I believe if you treat people how you wish to be treated then everyone will get along but I’ve discovered that people like to test that or they purposely make it difficult. This is probably the reason I struggle with making friends, I have made some good friends but I’ve also been hurt by people who were ‘close’ friends. I struggle with meeting new people or making new friends.

Love is a hard topic. I guess I have fallen in love 3 times and each of those times I’ve learnt the hard way about being naive on love. I don’t think I deserve to be loved, I think there are people out there who deserve the love that never gets it. I don’t understand love it’s so complicated and messy. It took me a long time to realise I don’t need someone to love me because I love myself the way I am.

Family is a hard topic, its sad but my parents don’t feel like my parents, I’ve met them a few times and they don’t feel like my mum or dad anymore. I had foster parents who I thought would be there for me after university but they weren’t and they never will be. I learnt the hard way that you have to let people go that are close to you even if you don’t want to and it hurt a lot but I’m moving on from them and trying to make good out of a bad situation.

Life’s hard. I know this stupid because I’m sat typing this on an iPad in a warm house and I don’t have to walk for miles to get water. I think it would be better if I said: staying alive is hard. I’m living and breathing for 19 years and I’ve done nothing. During these 19 years, I’ve tried to end my life twice. It’s something I think about every day, I get constant reminders that I need to ask for help but how can I when I feel like I have no voice.

I often think about what it would be like to die, yes its a horrible thought but that’s what often goes on in my mind. I’ve had nightmares where I’ve woken up crying because I’ve died in the nightmare or because someone I care about has died. If I died the world would keep moving, just another statistic.

I wish I could believe in heaven and there is some form of the afterlife but I can’t I’ve tried so many times. I don’t believe in god so I wouldn’t go to heaven anyway, I doubt I’d be very welcome there. I wish I had the beliefs some religions and cultures have where their ancestor come back to visit them. This reminds of the movie Mr Magoruims Wonder Emporium, in which Mr Magoruim is talking about when he dies and say he might come back as a bee and at the end or during the credits there’s a bee there.

I don’t know who I am. I’m not perfect in fact I’m the opposite of perfect and I hate the way I looked over the years I’ve tried to make myself look better but then I realised I was doing it for other people and not for myself.

I wish I could have a hug off Jeffree Star, I know its a bit random but watching their videos has really helped not me panic, now that probably sounds absurd but they’re so nice and genuine to all of his friends, family and peers, I want a friend like that in my life that’s there for me.