What is happy

What is happy?

This is a question I’ve often asked myself: what is happy or what is it like to be happy?

The definition of happiness is the state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

But I rarely feel that anymore, it’s like there’s nothing there to feel that I’m empty and I feel like I am, over the past year I’ve learnt so much about the world around me and the people in and for some reason I feel out of place. Like in the movie Beauty and the Beast: in the beginning, a song they talk about Belle and how she stands out because she acts differently compared to the people around her and they don’t understand it or like it.

I feel like people don’t understand me. I haven’t had this opinion all my life but I believe if you treat people how you wish to be treated then everyone will get along but I’ve discovered that people like to test that or they purposely make it difficult. This is probably the reason I struggle with making friends, I have made some good friends but I’ve also been hurt by people who were ‘close’ friends. I struggle with meeting new people or making new friends.

Love is a hard topic. I guess I have fallen in love 3 times and each of those times I’ve learnt the hard way about being naive on love. I don’t think I deserve to be loved, I think there are people out there who deserve the love that never gets it. I don’t understand love it’s so complicated and messy. It took me a long time to realise I don’t need someone to love me because I love myself the way I am.

Family is a hard topic, its sad but my parents don’t feel like my parents, I’ve met them a few times and they don’t feel like my mum or dad anymore. I had foster parents who I thought would be there for me after university but they weren’t and they never will be. I learnt the hard way that you have to let people go that are close to you even if you don’t want to and it hurt a lot but I’m moving on from them and trying to make good out of a bad situation.

Life’s hard. I know this stupid because I’m sat typing this on an iPad in a warm house and I don’t have to walk for miles to get water. I think it would be better if I said: staying alive is hard. I’m living and breathing for 19 years and I’ve done nothing. During these 19 years, I’ve tried to end my life twice. It’s something I think about every day, I get constant reminders that I need to ask for help but how can I when I feel like I have no voice.

I often think about what it would be like to die, yes its a horrible thought but that’s what often goes on in my mind. I’ve had nightmares where I’ve woken up crying because I’ve died in the nightmare or because someone I care about has died. If I died the world would keep moving, just another statistic.

I wish I could believe in heaven and there is some form of the afterlife but I can’t I’ve tried so many times. I don’t believe in god so I wouldn’t go to heaven anyway, I doubt I’d be very welcome there. I wish I had the beliefs some religions and cultures have where their ancestor come back to visit them. This reminds of the movie Mr Magoruims Wonder Emporium, in which Mr Magoruim is talking about when he dies and say he might come back as a bee and at the end or during the credits there’s a bee there.

I don’t know who I am. I’m not perfect in fact I’m the opposite of perfect and I hate the way I looked over the years I’ve tried to make myself look better but then I realised I was doing it for other people and not for myself.

I wish I could have a hug off Jeffree Star, I know its a bit random but watching their videos has really helped not me panic, now that probably sounds absurd but they’re so nice and genuine to all of his friends, family and peers, I want a friend like that in my life that’s there for me.